Day 7 - Wrapping Paper Over Wounds: The Trap of Forced Holiday Forgiveness
Let’s talk about one of the holiday season’s most toxic gifts, right up there with fruitcake and that one distant uncle’s conspiracy theories: Forced Forgiveness.
You know the words to this song all too well. It’s that unspoken rule that by December 25th, you must wrap up your hurt, betrayal, or grief with a neat bow and place it under the tree of family harmony. It’s the cultural and spiritual mandate that treats your pain like an inconvenient guest who’s overstayed their welcome.
If you’ve ever been told to “let it go” so everyone else can have a nice dinner, or if you’ve felt like the villain for still carrying pain while everyone else sings “Joy to the World,” this post is your permission slip to say: That’s bullshit.
The Hallmark Healing Trap
If you know me, you know that I am a huge film nerd. But every year around the holidays I can't help but think about some of the toxic undertones lurking beneath the sugar-coated surface of Holiday movies. Tell me this isn't the plot of every holiday movie: The grumpy relative, the estranged parent, the feuding siblings, all magically reconciled by the final scene (usually after a heartwarming speech in the snow). Cue the swelling music. Roll credits.
This isn’t just a trope. It’s a setup. It teaches us that healing is a linear, timed event with a festive deadline. That the pinnacle of love is absolving someone for the comfort of everyone else, regardless of whether they’ve acknowledged a single goddamn thing they did.
In real life, this translates to comments that hit like a sleigh to the chest:
“It’s Christmas. Can’t you just let it go for one day?”
“They’re family. You have to forgive them eventually.”
“Holding onto this is only hurting you. What would Jesus do in this situation?” (A classic ripped straight from the spiritual bypassing handbook.)
The pressure that you feel on the receiving end of these platitudes doesn’t come from a place of meaningful healing. It comes from a place of systemic discomfort. Your unresolved pain is a crack in the family’s perfect holiday snow globe. Forced forgiveness isn’t about your peace; it’s about making your pain more palatable for the sake of everyone else’s capacity.
Spiritual Bypassing: The Sparkly Bow on All The Bullshit
Now, let’s name the specific flavor of this poison when it comes from religious circles: Spiritual Bypassing.
This is when spiritual ideas, like forgiveness, grace, or “turning the other cheek,” are used as a crowbar to pry open your boundaries, avoid accountability, and shut down valid (ironically righteous) anger. It’s a sanctimonious sidestep.
Your rage at being manipulated isn’t perceived as righteous anger; it’s considered you being “unforgiving.”
Your need for a genuine apology isn’t considered justice; it’s just seen as “bitterness.”
Your very human grief isn’t seen as pain that needs to be witnessed with love and compassion; it’s judged as a “lack of faith.”
It turns your authentic, messy, holy human process into a spiritual failing. It’s like the Ghost of Christmas Past showing up and instead of letting you feel your childhood pain, handing you a pamphlet on positive thinking and telling you to be grateful you had a past at all.
This is a mindfuck of celestial proportions. It makes you doubt not just your feelings, but your entire foundation - your family, your church, your spiritual leaders, your community, your intuition and more importantly… your God.
Forgiveness ≠ Reconciliation (And Other Vital Distinctions)
First, let’s get clear on the vocabulary, because these words are not synonyms.
Forgiveness is an internal process. It’s the gradual, often nonlinear, release of the grip that resentment and hurt have on your nervous system. It’s something you do for you, on your timeline, if and when you ever fucking feel ready. It can happen entirely within you, with no other person involved.
Reconciliation is a relational process. It requires two parties: trustworthy accountability from the one who caused harm, and a willing, safe re-engagement from the hurt party. It is not mandatory.
You can theoretically find forgiveness in your heart, for your own freedom, and still choose not to reconcile because the relationship remains unsafe, unaccountable, or toxic. That isn’t failure. That’s wisdom.
The holiday pressure demands reconciliation and calls it forgiveness. It says, “Sit at the table, make nice, and call it healed.” That’s not healing. That’s performance.
What Your Unresolved Harm is Actually Telling You
That pain that hasn’t magically evaporated for the holidays? It’s not a flaw. It’s data. And its really important that we listen to that data.
Your body and your emotions are insisting, loudly, that what happened mattered. That it was real. That it had an impact. The pressure to forgive before you’ve fully moved through the grief is like trying to put a fresh coat of paint on a wall that’s still on fire. It’s not a solution; it’s a hazard that will eventually come back to haunt you in the future.
Your resistance to “forgiveness” might be your integrity saying, “I will not call something love that felt like destruction.”
Your “bitterness” might be your boundaries saying, “Never again.” Honor that.
How to Survive Forced Forgiveness Season
Name the Bypass. When you hear, “You just need to forgive,” recognize the move. Internally, you can think: “Ah. There’s the forced forgiveness play. That says more about their comfort and capacity, than it does about the validity of my needs.”
Embrace the “And.” You can love someone and be furious with them. You can miss the idea of family and need space from the reality of who they are. You can hope for peace on earth and not have peace with that person. Hold both. It’s all true.
Offer Yourself Radical Permission. Permission to not know. Permission to not be ready. Permission to change your mind. Permission to prioritize your own sanity over a holiday hallmark moment. Your healing journey is not a Hallmark movie. It’s a complex, gritty, beautiful, and slow-burn indie film, and you are the director.
Practice Boundary-Oriented Responses. You don’t owe anyone an essay on your trauma. A simple, “I’m not in a place to discuss that, but I appreciate you wanting everyone to be happy,” is enough. Redirect. Change the subject. Leave the room. Your peace is the most sacred thing you can protect this season.
You are not the keeper of the family’s Christmas spirit. You are the keeper of your own nervous system. And that is a full-time job.
Your Next Step (If You Want One)
Untangling the knots of forced forgiveness and spiritual bypassing is deep, tender work. It requires a space where your anger is honored as protection, your grief is given room to breathe, and your timeline is respected as holy.
If you’re tired of being handed cheap, festive wrapping paper to cover up wounds that need air and attention, I can help. In my practice, we move at your pace so we can honor your trust in yourself. We build a sense of faith in your own inner authority, so you can discern the difference between true grace and spiritual gaslighting.
If you’re ready to define forgiveness on your own terms, let’s talk. I offer free 20-minute consultations to see if this is where your healing path leads next.
Click here to schedule your consult. You deserve to experience peace that is deep, real, and on your own timeline.