From Surface-Level Struggles To Soul-Level Connection: The Four Levels of Communication
Unlock Deeper Connection & Transform Your Relationships!
Hey, friend!
I’m sitting here (with my coffee of course!) thinking about how many couples and individuals walk into my office saying the same thing: "We just can’t communicate!”
Maybe you’ve felt it too—that frustrating gap between what you mean to say and what actually comes out (yikes!)... or perhaps you are all to familiar with the loneliness of feeling unheard by someone you love. What if I told you that beneath those surface struggles lies a map to profound connection
Today, I’m sharing a transformative framework straight from Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) that I use daily with clients: The Four Levels of Communication. Grab your favorite drink, get cozy, and let’s dive in!
First Things First: Two Non-Negotiable Ground Rules
Before we explore the Four Levels of Communication, we need two important communication ground rules:
1. Stay On Your Side of the Street
This involves only speaking from your perspective throughout the conversation. Using an “I statement” can be helpful, focusing on communicating about your own unique emotions and physical sensations, your own behavior patterns and motivations, your own previous life experiences, beliefs, and values etc. When we do this, we are taking ownership and responsibility of our own experiences without putting the responsibility onto the person we are communicating with.
Ultimately, we only really know what is happening on our side of the street. We can never truly know what is happening on the “other side of the street” with the person we are conversing with. We do not have the full story that is informing their experience in the conversation no matter how long we have known that person. It is vital that we approach the other person’s side of the street with curiosity, kindness, and a desire to understand. We can do so by asking open-ended questions, not assuming anything, and speaking in a way that allows our partner in the conversation to invite us over to their side by sharing with us what they are experiencing during the conversation.
Takeaways:
Speak only from your world.
Use "I feel..." or "I notice..." instead of "You made me feel...". Why? Because we only truly know our own emotions, triggers, and histories.
Crossing into your partner’s "side" (e.g., "You always do this!") is an invitation for defensiveness.
Your job? Own your story with kindness.
2. Reflective Listening: The "Echo Game"
When we engage in communication, we need to be able to express ourselves clearly and authentically, but we also need to be able to hold open space for our partner to express themselves openly, clearly and authentically without judgment or shame. One of the ways that we can do this is by engaging in listener speaker dynamics. This isn’t passive hearing—it’s active, humble curiosity.
Process:
Partner A shares their perspective (experience, feelings, thoughts, needs etc.) from their "side of the street"
Partner B listens without interrupting, then echoes back what they heard.
Partner B asks: "Did I get that right?"
If not, Partner B tries again until Partner A feels truly understood. Then switch roles.
The Four Levels of Communication
Level 1: The Current Issue (Where We Get Stuck!)
This level tends to focus on specific details, content, semantics, logistics, and general information about the situation you are currently navigating. This level is mainly about providing context to the situation at hand and can be beneficial at the start of the conversation to get an idea of what you are discussing with that person. This level is not very helpful in establishing genuine connection and understanding.
What it is: The "what happened" layer—details, timelines, who said what.
Why it’s tricky: We argue about "the truth" ("No, I said this!"), triggering defensiveness instead of connection.
Examples:
"You didn’t text me back."
"We agreed you’d handle daycare pickup."
"I perceived your tone as angry."
Therapist Tip: If you’re here for more than 5 minutes? Pause. Breathe. Go deeper.
Level 2: Defense Mechanisms & Anger (The Connection Killer)
This level focuses on the words or actions that we employ when our emotions and attachment wounds are triggered, and we feel the need to defend ourselves. This layer is very protective. Unfortunately, the person we are defending ourselves against in this layer, is our conversation partner. This means that there is very little room for genuine connection with our partner on this level.
Defensiveness comes in many forms. One of the biggest indications of defensiveness is anything that blames our conversation partner or seeks to remove blame or responsibility from ourselves in the situation. Defensiveness is easy to spot when we start to use language that seeks to justify our own actions as valid at the expense of the feelings or perspective of our conversation partner. Defensiveness is also present whenever we are focused more on our conversation partner’s actions/inactions, words, behaviors, feelings etc. rather than focusing solely on our own side of the street. Most of the time, whenever we are crossing the street onto our conversation partner’s side, we are engaging in subtle, or overt, expressions of defensiveness. Crossing the street indicates an inability or unwillingness within ourselves to patiently reflect on our own feelings, thoughts, actions and behaviors that we are responsible for in the interaction.
Defensiveness also comes up in our actions as well, such as leaving the conversation, yelling, interrupting, talking over our conversation partner, insulting them, turning our backs to them, rolling our eyes etc. It is imperative that we recognize the trap of defensiveness quickly and use it as an opportunity to connect on a deeper level as fast as possible. If you notice yourself, or your conversation partner is demonstrating defensive behaviors, let that serve as an opportunity to become curious about what is making you or them feel the need to protect or defend yourself/themselves. Ask questions, and offer empathy. Remember, defensiveness is the death of connection. Defensiveness indicates an unwillingness to connect with our own real, internal emotions, as well as an inability to connect with the real internal emotions of our conversation partner.
What it is: Our protective reflexes when we feel unsafe—blame, withdrawal, sarcasm, or justifying our actions at our partner’s expense.
Why it’s tricky: Defensiveness screams, "I’m not safe!" but it pushes our partner further away.
Spot the signs:
"You’re overreacting!"
"I wouldn’t have yelled if you’d listened!"
Walking away, eye-rolling, cold shoulders.
Therapist Tip: Defensiveness = an invitation to dig deeper to explore the real emotions/needs underneath the surface. Pause and get curious: "I get the sense you might be feeling attacked right now. Can you help me understand what you’re feeling?"
Level 3: Emotional Resonance (Finally, Real Connection!)
At this level we are able to start creating space to actually connect with ourselves and our conversation partners. This level is where we get to define what we are actually feeling including the emotions and sensations that we are experiencing in response to the conversation that we are having. If we take a moment in the conversation to reflect, we can articulate our emotions clearly and calmly. This stage is often difficult to get to because it requires vulnerability and the ability to identify how we actually feel and then be brave enough to share that with our conversation partner.
Emotions come in the form of different feelings as well as the physical sensations that accompany those emotions. Be sure to reflect from your own side of the street using “I statements” and take responsibility for your own emotional responses to the situation. Our conversation partner, and or the situation, may have triggered the emotions, but we are fully responsible for the actions we take, and the words we use to express those emotions. Clearly identify the emotions that are being triggered for you, and share them with your conversation partner, being careful to avoid falling back into level 2 defense mechanisms. Remember: anger is a protective and defensive emotion and therefore, anger is actually a level 2 defense mechanism. Dig deep and reflect on what emotion that anger is truly rooted in – fear, sadness, loneliness, boredom etc.
The goal is never to make the feeling go away for either of us. Instead, it is to sit with each other in the emotion in order to help us feel less alone and eventually the feeling is resolved on its own. Our greatest tool in this stage is patience and validation. Regardless of whether or not we agree with the emotions of our conversation partner, it does not negate the validity of them.
What it is: Naming your raw emotions and physical sensations ("I feel hurt," "My chest is tight").
Why it’s magic: Vulnerability disarms defensiveness. You’re no longer debating facts—you’re sharing hearts.
Try this:
"When you didn’t call, I felt panicked— which felt like a knot in my stomach."
"I’m sensing sadness in you. Can you share more so I can understand?"
"I feel overwhelmed and need a hug, not a solution."
Therapist Tip: Anger (annoyance, frustration, rage, irritability etc.) is often a Level 2 defense mechanism masking a Level 3 emotion (fear/sadness etc.) Dig deeper!
Level 4: Meaning Making & Previous Life Experiences Rooted in Attachment & Core Needs (The Soul-Depth Stuff)
This is the deepest level of connection. Ideally, this is where we can communicate our deepest needs because they tap into our deepest wounds, traumas, and bids for safety. When we feel triggered, this is the space within us that is being triggered. As human beings, we are social creatures. We are meant for meaningful connection to other human beings. Isolation is not a healthy space for us. We need other human beings in our lives. Unfortunately, for some of us, we have not always had healthy people to attach to throughout our childhoods or even our adult lives. When our attachments to our primary caregivers and trusted relationships are betrayed or wounded, we develop attachment wounds. Those wounds are a product of evolution and ideally are meant to keep us safe in the future when we engage in other relationships so that we don’t end up hurt like we were before. When a conversation partner says or does something to trigger those attachment wounds, we tend to act from that painful place, and we end up saying and doing things we regret later in order to keep ourselves safe (level 1 and 2). In that dynamic, we are not connecting with our conversation partner. Instead, if we can find the courage to really self-reflect, we can start to identify what our core attachment wounds are, eventually identify what makes those parts of us feel safe and then we can communicate that to our conversation partner with vulnerability and honesty. This allows for the deepest level of connection but it is also the hardest level of communication to sit in for long periods of time.
What it is: Sharing the why behind big reactions—past hurts (abandonment, betrayal) and core needs (safety, worthiness).
Why it transforms: This is where healing happens. You’re not just solving a problem—you’re healing ancient wounds together.
Examples:
"When you cancel plans, my ‘abandonment wound’ from childhood flaresup. I need reassurance you still choose us."
"I shut down because my ex mocked my feelings. I need patience when I’m quiet."
"I crave knowing I’m not ‘too much’ for you."
Therapist Tip: Specificity is key! "I feel lonely" (Level 3) → "I feel disposable, like I did with my absent parent" (Level 4).
Final Thoughts
Why This Works: You’re Speaking the Language of the Heart
Stuck in Level 1-2? You’ll feel like roommates debating chores, or worse... enemies on a sinking ship in the middle of a hurricane!
Flow into Level 3-4? You create a safe harbor for each other’s souls to find each other in the storm.
"But what if it feels too hard?"
Friend, I get it! This takes practice, courage, and sometimes a guide. That’s okay!
Your Invitation: Let’s Build Bridges Together
If you’re tired of circular arguments, feeling misunderstood, or longing to be *truly seen* by your partner (or yourself!)... let’s chat. As an EFT-trained therapist, I help couples and individuals:
Identify their "stuck" levels
Practice reflective listening until it feels natural
Heal attachment wounds that blocking intimacy
Transform communication from a battleground to a sanctuary.
The safer that we feel in our relationships to be authentically who we are, the more connected and loved we will feel by the person we are communicating with. Let’s uncover the deep, secure connection you deserve. No judgment—just hope, practical tools, and maybe a few laughs (and tears!) along the way.
P.S. If this resonated with you at all, share it with someone who might also benefit from it! 💌 And remember: Every master was once a beginner. Your first brave step toward deeper connection starts today!